Joke for today

Why did God give women arms? Do you have any idea how long it would take to lick a bathroom clean?

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Joke for 2018-09-18

A state trooper spied a car puttering along at 22 MPH. So he turned on his lights and pulled the driver over. Approaching the car, he noticed that five old guys were inside, and they looked wide-eyed and terribly pale. The driver pleaded with him, `Officer, I don`t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?` `Sir,` the officer replies, `You weren`t speeding, but driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous.` `I beg to differ, Officer, I was doing the speed limit exactly: twenty-two miles an hour!` the old man said. The trooper, chuckling, explained to him that `22` was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the man grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out his error. `But before I let you go, Sir, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These guys seem awfully shaken.` `Oh, they`ll be all right in a minute,` the old man said. `We just got off Route 119.`

Joke for 2018-09-17

There`s a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in his head. The voice says, ``Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.`` He ignores the voice. Later in the day, he hears the voice again. ``Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.`` Again, he ignores the voice. Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day. ``Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and move to Las Vegas.`` He can`t take it anymore. He believes the voice. He quits his job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las Vegas. As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says, ``Go to Caesar`s Palace.`` He goes to Caesar`s Palace and the voice says, ``Make your way to the roulette tables.`` He goes to the roulette tables and the voice says, ``Put all your money on red 23.`` He puts all his money on red 23. The dealer spins the wheel. It comes up black 17. The voice says, ``Fuck.``

Joke for 2018-09-16

The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him. But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he said he didn````t want anything special. When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day.Finally, when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold.`No,` the inmate said, `just get it over with.``Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?` said the guard. `You didn````t even want a special last meal!`The inmate thought. `Actually,` he said, `Music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions.`The guard nodded and told him to go ahead.The inmate started, `One billion bottles of beer on the wall...`